Sometimes when I get upset, something inside of me shuts down. I feel like I should be crying or screaming or something but I don't because I'm turned off. I go silent and don't talk very much, just looking at people. Thinking so much that I could drive myself crazy. It's the kind of upset that confuses me and makes me want to curl up and sleep it off. I stay fixed like this until the hurt runs away. Sometimes it feels like it's never going to go.
I love that "in the beginning" feeling where everything is perfect. You like them. They like you. Texting twenty four seven. Saying good morning, saying goodnight. Then you start using cute little pet names. Then it gets to the awkward stage where you're not sure exactly what you are. Then once you figure it out, it all goes down hill from there. All the excitement is gone. All the passion is wasted. Everything you once were has just faded to nothing.
Just remember, if I ever push you away, I don't mean to. When I tell you I don't want to talk about it, I do, but I'll spend eternity looking for the right words. Give me a minute, and if I can figure it out, I will tell you. I try so hard for you, I struggle to be a mix of real and perfect. At the moment, I'm still working on it. When I get really quiet, it's because I have too much to say, and there are too many things for me to tell you all at once, and I don't know what to say first. I get immaturely and overly jealous of anyone who gets close enough to touch your heart. I miss you terribly easily, but then again, I like that you're always on my mind when we're apart. Space can be good too. I love how we love some of the same things, and at the same time I adore that we like completely different things. And I'm sorry that my head is a complicated pile of thoughts and fears and dreams. I am so flawed, and human. I am broken but I am trying, for you. I'm just one person with two hands and one heart. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm just me, and I'm hoping that with a little practise, I can be good enough for you. I love you.
I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.
Because it’s the place where a girl can be herself. She’s in a place where she’s alone with her & her body. A place where she can think about things. A place where she doesn’t have to feel insecure. A place where no one has to judge her. A place where she can just have water drippings on her and drain down all her thoughts ; Let go all of the negativeness.
You have to get hurt. That's how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. Because they've decided that they're not going to let anything hold them down, they're showing the world who's boss.